New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
