how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
This is classic penis vs brain.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
