please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
he quoted the bible to break up with me
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
