I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
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Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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