turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
