just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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