just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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