You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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