I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
