It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
