im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Randomize
