I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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