what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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