we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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