I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
