God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
