the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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