im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
