even my farts smell like vagina
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
