hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
