I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
