I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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