Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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