birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
