I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
i drank out of a bidet.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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