doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
