Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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