Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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