Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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