god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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