Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
