Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Randomize
