i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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