It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
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