it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
