i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
