1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
