a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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