He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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