new low.... made out with someone while peeing
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
