Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
