Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
