How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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