Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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