Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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