He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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