why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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