Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
