i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
