I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
