Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
ttyl tear gas
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
