I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
