My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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