K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
