shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
