I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Dick very happy bro
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
