I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
