I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
